Hidden strengths. An interview.

Here is a conversation I had with a student regarding her journey learning self-defence...

SB: You came to me to train nearly two years ago, what were your first impressions?

There was a free workshop supporting ending violence against women and girls.

That was what appealed to me, that it was being held to aid ending violence.

Like too many women I had experienced violence, both by strangers as well as by people known to me.

I thought it may be simply a bit of assertiveness training and liked the idea of self-defence as a way to halt further violence.

To be completely honest, the fact it was free appealed because at that time, I felt I didn’t deserve to spend money on myself.

I felt as though I shouldn’t attend - I knew nothing about self-defence. Privately, I felt embarrassed because in the past I had not been able to defend myself.  

I remember meeting the instructor for the first time, she was friendly, welcoming and seemed ‘normal’. There were many other 'normal’ women there too. We sat on the floor, introduced ourselves and shared our experiences. We talked about common threats and attacks in general and to women in particular. Sarah was well informed, explained clearly and welcomed questions. It was clear that she knew what she was talking about. In addition she made jokes, which kept the mood light and positive.

During our chat, the subject of personal alarms came up. I knew by Sarah’s answer the training was right for me. “If other people help, that’s great, but you can’t wait for them and regarding personal alarms, if you want one, get one, but you won’t always be able to get to them. Better to rely on your own skills”. Agency.

Sarah explained the principals of the training. She demonstrated how to defend against a slap and that was it. I knew I was hooked. Wow! It worked, it really worked. I didn’t know that a woman could do that. It was effective. I had never seen a woman defend herself from an attack before, in fact the opposite was true. I didn’t realise it was possible. I wanted to learn that.

In the past I had done nothing, I didn’t feel weak, just didn’t know what to do. I realised how I had reacted in threatening situations, understood what was going on while I was under stress. This helped, I now have more awareness of my physical surroundings and people’s behaviours based on my past experiences and my new found knowledge.

That feeling of being completely and utterly powerless has gone. I am not powerless. That has been the best change for me. Then there’s the internal reduction of fear. I didn’t realise how much as a woman, I was carrying. I was so used to it, I hardly questioned it. It’s just how it was for me. Cross the road, don’t go down that road, avoid that group, fear feeding fear.

Now I may cross the road, because it is avoiding a potentially dangerous situation. My decision, not fuelled by panic. It’s like sidestepping potholes, but before every pothole felt like a sinkhole, 20 metres deep, fear upon fear.   

"Learning self-defence has taught me, it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s not acceptable to live in fear. The world is still the same world, but I am more prepared, I am learning skills which could make the difference of actually saving my life if I needed to."

I had many exceptions in my mind. What if it was someone I knew, or cared about? Someone younger? Someone older? In the day, night, work, party, a group, another female etc? But it’s the same message. You learn the basics then build up on it each time you train. How to protect yourself simply and effectively.

The verbal part was very difficult for me, saying “NO, back off, leave me alone”, I couldn’t do it. I say sorry less, I now say, excuse me. I don’t apologise for being there, I have the right to be and to be left in peace.   Before I felt guilt. I worried about being perceived as rude or aggressive. I can picture Sarah drumming it into me, you have the right to protect yourself! She made me realise, whatever it is, if it’s uninvited, I have the right to protect myself. That was monumental for me. I had permission to save myself.

#theselfdefencecoach